This is a first in a two part series about the North Miami Beach City Council’s four and a half hour plus marathon meeting held on Tuesday, August 20, 2013.  I attempted to attend the meeting personally for the first hour or so, but the excitement was just too much for me.  I left and decided to wait until I could experience it at my leisure online as soon as it was posted on the website.  Yeah, that was big fun.  Good thing I had plenty of time today.

The Main Event on the Agenda was Resolution R2013-47 for the purpose of rezoning a parcel of land on West Dixie Highway to build a hotel.

As you might expect in North Miami Beach, since the subject matter included the Dreaded D Word –  DEVELOPMENT – the Anti-Progress Coalition was out in full force to protest.  Most of the protesters were there to stop the building of the proposed ten story hotel/convention center known as Parkview Business Center (f/k/a Braha Dixie) to be built outside the southern entrance of Greynolds Park.  Even before the Resolution came up for discussion, they spoke during the first phase of public comment.  Here are my comments from the peanut gallery.

Save the spotted owls, kill the lumberjacks

Expert on Everything, a young man who shall remain nameless to save him the embarrassment, explained that “ecology and economics go hand in hand,” followed by a lesson in Greek etymology.  He claimed that eco means “keeping one’s house in order.”

If he had actually looked up the word, he’d know the Greek word merely means “household.”  According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, the combining form eco- means “habitat or environment.”

The earnest, yet misguided, dude was one in a long line of tree huggers attending the meeting for the purpose of “saving” Greynolds Park from complete and utter destruction (a/k/a nuclear holocaust) that is absolutely, positively going to happen if NMB builds a ten story hotel within a fifty mile radius of the park.

Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit.  But my hyperbole is no more fantastic than some of the nonsense that came out of the mouths of the tree huggers who lined up to chastise the Council for daring to try to save its city from terminal ghettohood.  Some of the bullshit they spew in the name of “environmentalism” is both laughable and gag-inducing at the same time.

The self-proclaimed environmentalist claimed that the Starbucks and Winn Dixie closures on West Dixie Highway on and near North Miami Beach Boulevard are “derelict” because “there wasn’t enough business in the city of North Miami Beach to sell coffee.”

Ya think?

Dude just contradicted his own argument.  We have no business in North Miami Beach BECAUSE WE HAVE NO DEVELOPMENT!  DUH! It’s people like you who are the reason we haven’t had any development.  Ever hear, “If you build it they will come?”

WELL, THEY DIDN’T COME BECAUSE WE CAN’T BUILD ANYTHING!

Seriously, people.  WTF is wrong with you anyway?

The dude ended his rant by accusing the Council of ruining the “legacy” of Greynolds Park for his kids.

Oh, jeez.  He’s threatening to spawn.  Duck!

The Return of the Red Baron

Speaking of Good Ol’ Charlie Baron, the Chucky Comedy Hour starts at 1:46:34 of the meeting video.  He asked for and requested the same amount of time to spew his crap, er, I mean, make his presentation, that the developer’s representatives took.  Baron noted that he deserved 44 minutes.  The Mayor concurred.

He first threatened the Mayor that his litigation is in process and that it could take years and years, thereby implying that the Council is jumping the gun by building the project.  In other words, “SILENCE!  I SUE YOU!”

Chucky then attempted to tear apart each and every section of the proposed site plan, then went on to tell the council that Parkview Business Center is not architecturally correct.

Of course, it never occurred to The Red Baron that West Dixie Highway in its entirety is not “architecturally correct,” and hasn’t been since, oh, about 1976.  That entire street is in desperate need of redevelopment.  In fact, it probably should be razed and rebuilt.

Horton Hears A Who

Baron then called his “expert witness” slash “certified property appraiser,” Mike Horton to the stand for the purpose of interrogating his own witness.  HUH?

At this point, Councilwoman Barbara Kramer vacated her seat, presumably to go laugh her ass off in the bathroom, but I can’t confirm that.  I’ll get back to you once I do.

Chucky then entered Horton’s resume and professional license into the record.  Horton gave his spiel and listed his qualifications.  When this guy opened his mouth to speak he was so deadpan he reminded me of comic Steven Wright.  Except without the humor.  Horton claimed that he has testified as an expert witness in trials.  I dare any jurist who has sat through one of his testimonies to swear on oath that they stayed awake.

Several minutes into Horton’s drone, Barbara sneaked back to her seat but I’m guessing she wishes she hadn’t.

The Red Baron asked Horton to give his opinion on something or other in the plan, and Horton replied with, “In my opinion it will substantially affect the neighborhood, the residences and the homeowners in that area.”

When asked how he came to that brilliant conclusion, he stated that he walked the neighborhood, viewed the plans, and talked to residents.  Wow!  That’s expert research, huh?  Horton also said that after he drove through the neighborhood, he was “blown away that they were going to build a ten story building right there.”

In response to yet another of Chucky’s twenty or so questions, Horton was again, “blown away.”

At this point, I was wishing something would really blow him away because I was just as uncomfortable watching him try to speak as he probably was just standing there answering stupid questions.  Or, trying to anyway.

I was also hoping Horton’s college degree (if he has one) and/or his professional license didn’t set him back too much.  Whatever they cost, he was ripped off.  Horton would have been much better off spending his money on a personality transplant.

Baron asked Horton predetermined questions and Horton painfully responded in slow motion.  This crap went on for 30 freaking minutes, and I gotta tell you, I was ready to pull my hair out after the first five of them.  It was that painful.  I’m surprised no one on the council screamed.  Seriously, I’d rather listen to Phyllis!  At least she’s entertaining!  This volley was a freaking snooze fest.  Even City Clerk Pamela Latimore was getting annoyed, as you can tell by the daggers coming out of her eyes toward Chucky’s bald spot:

The bottom line of this interrogation was to prove that:

1.  Trees are good; and
2.  Hotels are bad.

Okay, duly noted.  Now STFU already!

Luckily, the Mayor, who was still awake, interrupted and stated that the questioning was becoming redundant, and that 35 of Baron’s 41 minutes were already gone.  Chucky reminded the mayor that he was entitled to 44 minutes.

Duly noted.

Grasping at more straws, Baron chastised the council for not having a certified appraiser working on the project and that, therefore, they are not to approve same.

I guess Horton wasn’t available.

If you want to hear all of Chucky’s objections, please go watch for yourselves.  Bring strong coffee with you.

Oh, would that a liar’s pants actually catch fire

But the big news is that Charles M. Baron, Esq. had the freaking chutzpah to claim that his SEVEN STORY CONDOMINIUM is nowhere near Greynolds Park as yours truly reported in Fun With Idiots!  He actually said that the proposed project was closer to the park than his condo!  Hey, Chucky!  What part of “SATELLITE PHOTO” do you not understand?

Not only are you an idiot, but I’m pretty sure you’re a freaking liar, too.

Chucky’s comments that this whole thing was unbelievable prompted Councilwoman Beth Spiegel to interrupt his rant at hour 2:26:38, to remind him that “it’s up to the seven of us for credibility and believability, so could you just get on with your legal argument?”

Sorry, haters, but I LOVE BETH SPIEGEL!  And that is just one of the many reasons!  (More to come.)

At hour 2:27:51, Chucky announced that he shot his load.  Good grief and good riddance!

There was a 10 minute break, where I assume the council had to go outside and LOL off camera.  Kudos to them for maintaining a straight face all that time.

The fun began again at hour 2:31:05 when the project attorney got to cross-examine Horton.  Yes, folks.  There’s more.

The Cross

He got up and announced that first he’s going to cross-examine the expert.  The way he said “expert,” you could just see the quotation marks hanging in the air.  Touche!  Nice jab, dude!

Boy, did he squash Horton like a bug!  He asked several questions, but the best was when he asked Horton if he performed a shadow study to back up all his nonsensical statements about shadows, Horton had to admit he did not.  But, when cross-cross-examined by Chucky, he did admit that “he walked around.”

Slam!

I loved the question posed by my new BFF City Attorney Darcee Siegel to Horton about whether or not he had “expertise” in noise levels and decibels, which he swore would be a problem if the hotel were built.  Horton admitted he did not.

Slam Dunk!

I’m betting right about then, Horton heard more than enough.  Where’s that Who, anyway?

On to public comment, where a man delivered a statement made by Janie Greenleaf, the President of the Ancient Spanish Monastery board of trustees.  Ms. Greenleaf praised the proposed hotel for several reasons, including that it will help bring more visitors to the Monastery.  She wholeheartedly endorsed the project.

Other speakers did not.

Blah, blah, blah.

In any event, I’ve had enough for tonight and I’m guessing you have, too.  Tomorrow (or as soon thereafter as possible) I’ll cover the Council discussion, the final vote, and an exciting smackdown between the Mayor and our favorite bloviator, Councilwoman Phyllis Smith.  Stay tuned…

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”