And, no, I’m not talking about the proverbial Village Idiot.  Even though you can usually count on at least one of those per hamlet.

I’m talking about the Insufferable Pompous Elitist Ass.

Not that South Florida doesn’t have its fair share of them, although nowhere near as many as Massachusetts, New Hampshire, or especially, New York.  We do, however, have plenty of transplants from the original Thirteen Colonies, whose ancestors must be turning in their graves right now at the thought that somewhere along the line their progeny mutated into spineless, humorless, stuffed shirts who learned absolutely nothing from the sacrifices their forbears made in order to birth the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

Yet, for some reason, even a township as Lilliputian as Biscayne Park can claim it’s own Insufferable Pompous Elitist Ass.

Mazel Tov, Fred Jonas.  You won The Prize!

In my recent blog, The sissification of America continues, I lamented the loss of, among other things, the ruggedness of the American spirit embodied by those who came before us.  I decried the fact that we have turned into a nation of wimps.  In the comment section, Fred Jonas just had to throw his two cents in and unwittingly become the object lesson of my analysis.

Fred attempted, and weakly I might add, to rebut each and every point I made in my column and thus proved that intelligence and common sense can very well be mutually exclusive qualities.  In fact, as in Fred’s case, smart people are sometimes too smart for their own good.

In typical Insufferable Pompous Elitist Ass fashion, Fred inferred that we common folk are too stupid to make our own decisions, and that it is the charge of h̶e̶ him and his fellow Insufferable Pompous Elitist Asses to make sure the rest of us don’t self-destruct.

According to Fred, athletes, the men and (especially) women of the armed forces, the fragile ladies in the office, and of course, the damsels in distress who <gasp> frequent bars, simply cannot fend for themselves and must be “protected” from the big bad world by Those Who Know What’s Best for Them.

According to Fred, he and his ilk, aided by a Daddy Government that sets the rules, must intrude into every single aspect of each and every one of our lives, and regulate our every move, right down to the deconstruction of what is and what is not an acceptable form of “flirting.”

Fred gives women no credit for being able to judge for h̶e̶r̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ themselves whether or not s̶h̶e̶ they welcome a man’s advances (ironically while lamenting that women’s liberation “didn’t take”).  Without the Fred Jonas Instruction Manual, a woman would have absolutely no idea if a man’s intentions are honorable or if he’s just trying to get in her pants.  Without his Guidelines for Proper Flirting, every woman in America would be raped by men who simply cannot be trusted to control their inner beasts.

And, speaking of inner beasts, Fred seems to believe that men who decide to become professional athletes because they possess a natural talent for sports can’t possibly have the good sense enough to make the “right” decisions for themselves.  After all, in Fred-World, “It’s an interesting sociologic problem as to what leads people to sports.”  (So I guess all athletes are sociopaths, right Fred?)

According to His Arrogance, absolutely no aspiring football player has the capability of planning his own future, or “carefully” choosing the right college, or even saving “wisely during their careers” for their retirement.  Fred implies, while disdainfully sneering down his haughty nose, that if only the lust for violence inherent in those (sorry, Fred, I really meant) wildebeests,

whose only desire in life is to use brute force on the gridiron, could somehow be channeled properly, they’d choose to become doctors and lawyers.  Or at the very least, accountants.  (Yeah, good luck with that, Fred.)

And women in the military?  Lord knows they absolutely cannot fend for themselves against any unwanted advances by men who are simply incapable of controlling their bestial instincts, and who literally salivate at every opportunity to force themselves on the weaker sex.  God knows what would happen if Fred and his fellow Insufferable Pompous Elitist Asses didn’t step in!  Why, the military community would be nothing more than a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah!

If Fred had his druthers, sports would be outlawed, women would be swathed in protective bubble wrap and the military would be abolished.  Every human being on the face of the planet would be gently guided by the all-knowing, all-powerful W̶i̶z̶a̶r̶d̶ Fred of O̶z̶ Biscayne Park and his fellow Insufferable Pompous Elitist Asses into playing by the Fred Jonas Book of Rules, subtitled You’re Too Stupid To Know Any Better.

Then maybe we’d all “evolve” into neutered, intolerant, chess-playing girly men and uptight, joyless, hostile women who have no use for each other or the Victoria’s Secret Angels Collection.

Sorry, dude, ain’t never gonna happen.

Real women are totally turned off by Insufferable Pompous Elitist Asses.

We red-blooded, American women prefer Real Men.

And, Real Men play football.

Neither of us need your consent or approval.  We’re doing just fine without it.

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”

HAPPY NOW, FRED?