I would have published this column sooner, but I spent half of last night trying to settle an argument between Barbara Kramer and Darcee Siegel over who gets to be my BFF.  Seriously, girls?  Are we in high school?  Now, cut this out or I’m dropping both of you for Phyllis!

The last hour and a half of Tuesday’s North Miami Beach City Council meeting was just as much fun to watch than the first three hours. (Yes, I’m being facetious.)

At 3:06:48, Councilwoman Beth Spiegel went into “prosecutor” mode, and it was so totally awesome watching her shred the opposition.

Ms. Spiegel tore into Mike Horton, who was brought in as an expert witness/property appraiser by Charles M. Baron, Esq.  Beth asked Horton if his MAI license qualifies him to do a light study, to which he replied, “No.”  Then he qualified his “No” by adding that he used his “common sense.”

I’ll refrain from commenting.

She then questioned what time of day he walked the neighborhood (he said 11:00 a.m.), whether it was sunny out (it was “South Florida-ish,” sunny and rainy, sunny and rainy), how many times he did so (once), and how recently this “walk around the neighborhood” was (last week).  Beth then asked Horton if he was able to measure the shadows being cast on the Arbors apartments (located directly to the west of the proposed project) at 11:00 in the morning.

Horton replied, “Did I measure?  I didn’t measure them.  I just stood there.  I was at one of the property owner’s house.  I guess I was about, uh, three houses west of the apartments, so it would be about seventy feet west of the Arbors.”  He confirmed there were no shadows on the homes west of the Arbors at 11:00 a.m.

She then asked him if he checked the zoning records to see how high the Arbors building is.  He responded that he did not, but that it’s three stories.

DUH!

Ms. Spiegel then asked him if he did any noise studies since he testified about noise, and Horton replied, “Let me back up.”

Oh, crap.  Horton, please!  Don’t back up!  It’s bad enough watching you inch forward, word by painful word.

But then, Horton drew his sword.  He said to Beth, “You said you don’t know a lot about appraisers…”

Uh, oh.  Oh, Dude.  You so blew it.

Having been on the receiving end of Beth’s wrath on more than one occasion, City Clerk Pamela Latimore looked worried.  And probably relieved that for once she wasn’t the target.

Ms. Spiegel restated that she doesn’t know a lot about appraisers, but then acknowledged the fact that in her “36 years of practice” as a lawyer, she has hired both commercial and residential appraisers to appraise properties.  Beth said, “What I generally get is a report that says that this property is valued at this price based upon these comparable sales.  And so I’m trying to figure out where your expertise came from for lighting and noise.”

Oh, Beth.  You are my freaking IDOL!  You can bitch slap someone like nobody’s business!

(Note to Barbara and Darcee: Stop bickering, you two, or Beth will be my new BFF!)

She asked him if anyone provided him with a noise study, and Horton droned on and on with, “In my 25 years’ experience, when I appraise a property, I appraise that property like I’m gonna buy that property.  I’ll look at the neighborhood.  And I’ll look at the pluses and minuses of the neighborhood.  And as I said I don’t have an exact dollar amount how this will affect those properties, but standing at the home, like, I guess it was just east of 23rd Avenue, as an appraiser, I look at the home and a choice, uh, a quantifiable adjustment, uh, a dollar amount, but I look at would I rather be living here east of 23rd Avenue or ….”

Beth had enough.  She got it!  All she wanted to know was if anyone did a noise study for him to look at, and that her question only required a “yes or no answer.”

Oh, Dude.  You are so ill equipped to spar with Beth Spiegel.  Especially in her House.

Incredibly, Horton forged on.  REALLY.  HE DID!

“As an appraiser, I’m only thinking what’s gonna be there.  Did I look at it?  Did I get a study or something to tell me how much noise there’s gonna be?”

Beth: “Ya!  Did you?”

Horton: “No.”

That was like pulling freaking teeth!

Ms. Spiegel wanted to know if he did a written report.

Um, no.

Beth got fed up and asked the developer’s representative to come up.  She laughed and admitted that she was taking no prisoners tonight.  (As if this night were any different from all others.)

And, again, I state for the record that BETH SPIEGEL IS MY FREAKING IDOL!

Ms. Spiegel continued the grilling of all parties in an attempt to find out answers to her various questions in order to satisfy herself about the proposed project and Resolution.  One of the main concerns appeared to be the lighting around the building, especially the west side of the hotel where there are apartments and private homes.  Beth was assured that there will be no outside lighting on the west side, or rear, of the building.

Another issue that was discussed were the two traffic studies that were performed, one in 2010 and a second in 2013.  According to the traffic expert, the extra traffic expected to be generated from this project will be within acceptable levels according to state, county and local limits.

Beth saved the best for last.  At hour 3:31:22, she said, “Mr. Baron, you weren’t seriously expecting us to sit up here and believe that we’re doing something wrong when we gave a public hearing as a city council and considered a vote and changed the zoning, were you?  You made a comment that we didn’t know what we were doing here tonight, why we were proceeding, so is that not, are you not asking us to assume, therefore, that we did something wrong when we held the public hearing and rezoned this property a year ago?”

Chucky stuttered that Beth misunderstood him.

Oops.  Big mistake, dude.  Beth NEVER misunderstands ANYTHING.  She NEVER misses a beat.  Trust me!

Chucky clarified that his comment was that the council should not have considered this Resolution as long as a litigation is pending.  He said, “My question to you was, why are we here tonight because you should be waiting for [a court’s] eventual ruling.”

OH. MY. GOD.  Poor Chucky.  He was about to find out that not only was he so out of his league, he wasn’t even playing the same game.  Underestimating Beth is always a mistake of epic proportions.

Ms. Spiegel simply turned to Darcee and said, “Madam City Attorney, has there been a stay entered by the Appellate Court?”

BINGO!

Darcee responded, “Absolutely not.”

Beth:  “And is the old legal principle that the actions of the lower entity, in this case governmental entity as opposed to the court, come to the appellate court clothed with the presumption of correctness?”

Darcee: “It does.”

Beth:  “So is there any reason we would tell anybody who wants to do a project such as this that they can’t move their project forward while an appeal is pending?”

Darcee:  “No, none whatsoever.”

Snarkily and smugly (and I mean that in a very good way), Beth closed with, “Thank you.  Thank you, Mr. Mayor.”

And, that my friends, is why I LOVE BETH SPIEGEL!

At 3:33:34, it was Councilwoman Phyllis Smith’s turn to comment, and I really have to hand it to her.  She stated that she understood the concerns from residents that the traffic will change.  Then slammed ‘em with, “Of course, the traffic’s gonna change.  We hope so!”

DUH!  We want more business in North Miami Beach.  Business brings revenue.  Traffic is a fact of life, people.  Why do you think folks put up with the traffic in Aventura?  BECAUSE THEY WANT TO SHOP THERE!  Good business equals traffic.  Deal with it!

Phyllis said, “It would be the worst case scenario if this hotel gets built and there is no traffic.  That would be terrible!  So, anything good has traffic!”

She went on to tell the residents in the neighboring area to act like adults.  Yes, their lives will change but “the betterment of the community is what’s at stake here.”  She went on to let the audience know that we have an opportunity to “bring more enjoyment to this city,” and that the hotel is “just the beginning.”

I told you that, despite her bloviating, I agree with Phyllis more often than not.  After listening to Charles Baron and his Horton drone on for an hour or so, Phyllis added some much needed life to the meeting.

(I would have said, “You go, girlfriend!” but that would start another argument with Barbara and Darcee, so I’ll refrain.)

I love that Phyllis added, “You don’t have to be an appraiser to know that there’s gonna be shade from a ten story building.”

Did you hear that Horton?  That wasn’t a Who.  It was PHYLLIS!

But the best line Phyllis threw out there was that she really resents attorneys coming up there and threatening them with lawsuits.  “Anybody can sue anybody.  We would never get anything done if we had to wait for all the lawsuits to get settled.  Are you kidding me?”

Yeah, Chucky.  ARE YOU KIDDING HER?

Jeez, I hope so.

Council members Tony DeFillipo, Barbara Kramer, Marlen Martell and L’il Frantzie P also asked questions of specific individuals and made their comments.

Finally, the Mayor made his comments and thanked everyone for coming out to express their opinions.  What he wanted to stress was that this project has been in the works for two years, and that it has been thoroughly vetted.  He verbally smacked Charles M. Baron, Esq. for threatening to keep suing regardless of whatever the final plans called for.  Mayor Vallejo said, “If everything is done properly, what are you suing for other than to throw sand in the gears and abuse the process?”  He blankly stated that the litigants (that would be Chucky) are merely using delay tactics to keep anything from being built.

Ya think?

The Mayor then noted that the applicant has jumped through hoops in an attempt to accommodate all the BS the city has put it through in order to get this project off the ground.  “Some people will never be pleased no matter what we do.”

Amen to that!

He continued, “At the end of the day we were elected to move the city forward.”  He then reiterated what he has said from day one of his term.  George said that the Council has to make its decisions based on the greater good for the 42,000 residents of North Miami Beach.  The greater good here is that it will bring more jobs, more visitors and more opportunity to our city.  Not to mention much needed revenue, which will provide more police, more crime prevention and better parks.  He said that these things improve the quality of life and raise property values.

The Mayor then tried to get the Council to vote on the Resolution when Phyllis had to blow all her political capital by wanting to amend the Resolution to include the LED lighting.  She tried to ramble on and the Mayor said, “Is there a motion?  Then move it.”

This is one of the few times that we get to see Sarcastic George in action.  I love this!  Not too many people appreciate the fine art of sarcasm, but it happens to be my favorite form of communication.  Now that he’s Mayor and is forced to behave most of the time, even fewer people get to see George’s sarcastic side.  This was a rare treat.  For me, anyway.

Watching this part of the meeting, I was reminded of the good old days when George Vallejo and I both served on the Board of Directors of the NMB Little League.  For the first several years, we suffered through endless hours of meetings where the Board discussed such minutiae as what font size the numbers should be on the back of the uniform jersey.  I’m dead serious, folks.  We would literally spend entire meetings arguing these ridiculous details, and throughout these discussions you could actually hear George’s and my teeth gritting.  I’m pretty sure I volunteered to run for president just to put a stop to all the bullshit.  Once I was in charge, marathon meetings were a thing of the past.  With George as my right hand man, we were actually able to run a Little League and delegate the petty details to those who were more than willing to be in charge of font sizes.  God bless them!

So, I understand perfectly the frustration George feels when he’s trying to get things done on the dais and inevitably someone up there, usually Phyllis, has a need to grandstand.  I only wonder in amazement how Sarcastic George is able to control himself most of the time.  Tuesday night’s meeting was not one of those times.

Phyllis made a motion to include LED lighting in the plan for the hotel.  The motion was seconded and, according to Robert’s Rules, the Mayor had to ask for discussion.  Damn those Robert’s Rules, huh?  Luckily, Beth noted that while LED lighting is “state of the art” right now, ten years from now it won’t be.  Therefore, if the council insists on LED lighting from now on, we will forever be stuck with it regardless of future technology.  Phyllis agreed and then decided to amend her motion to include “the most state of the art, environmentally friendly lighting for the exterior of the building.”

As you can see by this screen shot, the Mayor face palmed himself in utter disbelief and frustration.  I could just hear him thinking, “OH MY FREAKING GOD THEY’RE DISCUSSING FONT SIZES!”

There was then some discussion as to whether or not Phyllis’ motion was properly made, seconded, discussed and passed BEFORE they could even vote on the motion that was made, seconded and discussed on the original Resolution on the table.  George then asked if there was any more discussion on the motion for the “Friendly, Super Duper Lighting,” or if they could just vote on it already.

At 12:26 a.m., or hour 4:27:30 of the meeting, Sarcastic George could not contain himself any longer.  He finally declared, “I realize that now everyone wants Fancy, Environmentally Friendly, Super Duper Lighting and all that, but I am going to once again dissent here that this is precisely the reason why things don’t get done in our city because we have a tendency from the dais to micro manage and want to tweak every last thing, and I can assure you that the developer that’s going to spend tens of millions of dollars or a hundred million dollars building this facility, the Hyatt and the operator of this facility, knows very well about what kind of lighting is the best lighting because they have to make it more efficient and everything else.  So, if it pleases everyone I guess we’re gonna have a provision in there that they have some…that now, some attorney somewhere will now latch onto and say file suit because the lighting is not the latest and greatest lighting that may exist out of MIT lighting labs and that’s exactly what’s gonna happen.  But…”

Phyllis then interrupted to thank the Mayor for berating her.

On behalf of the Mayor, let me say, “You’re welcome.”  It’s a tough job, but someone had to do it.

(Note to Barbara and Darcee, there is absolutely no danger that Phyllis will ever be my BFF.)

There was some further discussion about the Font Size, I mean, LED lighting amendment, before it could be eventually and painfully passed.

But not before, as Darcee explained, there had to be a motion to amend the actual Resolution before it could all be voted on.  The Mayor asked Madam Attorney to read back to the Council the exact motion that they were all supposed to be voting on.

How George did not start banging his head on the table by now was a freaking miracle.  This is exactly why I will NEVER RUN FOR OFFICE.  I do not envy anyone up there who has to sit through this crap with a straight face.

After the motion was voted on (with George opposing) and passed, the Council was then ready to vote on the Resolution with all the freaking amendments in place and…

MIRACLE OF MIRACLES…

FOUR AND A HALF HOURS LATER…

RESOLUTION R2013-47 PASSED SEVEN TO ZERO!

North Miami Beach will FINALLY get a hotel!

Praise the Lord and pass the potatoes!

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”