All About Yve

As I mentioned in my earlier column, North Miami Beach’s NON-RESIDENT faux candidate Yvenoline “Yve” Dargenson did not show up at last night’s candidate forum in Eastern Shores. This particular forum is usually the kick off party of the campaign season every two years. It’s like the People’s Choice of awards season. And yet, L’il Evil Yve decided that this forum wasn’t worthy enough to attend.

Considering all the nonsense she’s been putting out there in expensive mailers and on Facebook under the guise of a “campaign platform,” it’s just as well she didn’t show up. Aside from her unprofessional website, where she still thinks she’s running for office in North Miami, she now posted on Facebook her “vision” for North Miami Beach, and wants to tell YOU why SHE’S the best candidate. Put down your coffee cup first so you don’t accidentally spray your computer monitor when you burst out laughing!

Let’s break this down. Ydiot Yve promises that YOUR needs are her FIRST priority. I wonder how her HUSBAND AND FOUR CHILDREN WHO ARE AT HOME IN MIRAMAR think about that. Screw THEIR needs. YOU come first.

Done laughing?

Next she claims, “I won’t take a SECOND to speak change. I will take action.”

Does anybody have a clue what that’s supposed to mean? Poor little Yve was obviously born without the “clever” gene because her stab at wit fell flat on its ass.

It gets worse from there.

Yvie’s THIRD priority is actually a combination of four things, which is nothing more than a trite laundry list of every candidate’s wishes in every election from the beginning of time until now. Dargenson actually believes that with a wave of her magic wand she can make North Miami Beach safer, improve our schools, beautify our neighborhoods and bring in more jobs. I’m surprised she didn’t claim she could lower the national deficit and give free health care for everyone in America.

Let’s analyze these lollipop dreams that Her Silliness promises:

Making North Miami Beach safer has been the long time goal of each and every council member, police officer and resident who has ever lived in our city. Unlike Yvenoline “Yve” Dargenson, those of us WHO ACTUALLY LIVE IN NORTH MIAMI BEACH know that crime can’t be reduced by simply wishing it away. No candidate who has ever promised to reduce crime can make it happen alone. A reduction in crime is only accomplished by a concerted effort of city officials, employees and residents. If she thinks she can single handedly fix our crime problem FROM HER HOME IN MIRAMAR, she’s delusional.

Ydiot Yve also apparently asked the Tooth Fairy for “higher graded schools.” I’m sure our School Board Representative Dr. Martin Karp and his colleagues in the County would like nothing more than to ask MIRAMAR, BROWARD COUNTY resident Yve for her secret ingredient recipe to accomplish this feat. May I suggest that L’il Evil Yve actually move to Miami-Dade County and then sprinkle her Special Fairy Dust at the next School Board meeting? Perhaps that would work, no?

On her Facebook page, Dargenson came up with an absolutely smashing idea! We can all help beautify North Miami Beach if only you “plant a flower in your spare time.”

Gee, now why didn’t I think of that? Certainly that would solve ALL our problems! Ya hear that, Eric Wardle? You’ve been going about this Code Enforcement thing all wrong! Just plant flowers!

And, finally, she’s going to create jobs. I guess by hiring each and every one of you to plant a flower. Yep, that’d work.

What a dumb shit, huh?

Now, back to the fact that Dargenson couldn’t be bothered to attend last night’s very important candidate forum. The organizer of the event, Fortuna Bichachi Smukler emailed each and every one of the candidates in order to make sure they knew about it and to secure their acceptance. When Fortuna didn’t hear back from Dargenson, she contacted her on Facebook, because that’s apparently where Dargenson spends all her spare time. I took this screen shot at 7:00 am this morning. Witness the exchange between Fortuna and Yve that took place 20 hours earlier, which was yesterday at 3:00 pm:

Mizz Dargenson actually would have us believe that she somehow missed FOUR, count ‘em, FOUR emails, and then asked Fortuna to call her, which she did.

Fortuna waited all afternoon for a return call, which never came. She did, however, open the following email from Dargenson, which was sent last night at 7:44 pm, nearly 45 minutes AFTER the start of the candidate forum, and which Fortuna forwarded to me:

Being the stickler for spelling and grammar that I am, the first thing I thought was, “OMIGOD THIS WOMAN CANNOT WRITE FOR SHIT!”

I mean SERIOUSLY? Has this woman ever heard of using prepositions? Even though it’s only one letter, the preposition “a” is quite helpful when attempting to write complete sentences. For example, “Due to a scheduling conflict” sounds infinitely more educated than “Due to scheduling conflict.” Just saying.

My next chuckle was at her inability to conjugate a verb. “The residents of NMB has expressed their displeasure???” Really? I bet they has cheezburger, too!