And in…

And in…

And in.

I just spent way too much of my Sunday morning watching parts of Tuesday night’s marathon North Miami Beach council meeting.  Yeah, I know.  Crazy, huh?  But I heard that North Miami Beach councilwoman Phyllis Smith, our favorite Screaming Yellow Parrot, was in rare form.  I just had to see for myself.

I’m not going to insert my opinion (which no one cares about anyway) on whether or not the city should have allowed Jackson Medical Center to build a heliport at the old Parkway Hospital site, I simply wanted to see if Phyllis’ comments were as outrageous and insane as I’d heard.  I was not disappointed.

After about two hours of presentations by Team Jackson, which I did not watch, at hour 2:25:38, Phyllis weighed in.  I didn’t want to watch that, either, but as painful as it was, I couldn’t look away.

She started out by stating that she “wanted to address two issues, one is a firewall.”  She then said, “It would behoove us to have lights on the top.”  Seeing as how I missed the presentation, I have no idea what the connection is between a “firewall” and “lights on the top.”  She never brought it up again, so that’s a big whatever.

What was WTMI (Way Too Much Information) was when Phyllis stated that she spoke to Mr. Heid when she went to use the restroom.  I’d much rather have the thousand words than a picture of that in my mind.

In any event, Phyllis started her speech by reminding us all, yet again, that she’s been in the real estate business for 34 years, and that she’ll “make it quick” because she knows that “the mayor is anxious to move on.”

Yeah, right.

At hour 2:29:00, Phyllis told us all about an accident she had “about ten years ago” when she had to be airlifted to a trauma center in Reno, Nevada.  The others in the accident “went by ambulance and were an hour away.”  She was “airlifted on one of the most windy, windy, windy days” and she kept “apologizing to the nurses” and that her husband could not go with her because there wasn’t room in the helicopter.  Phyllis explained, “I don’t have to tell you, my husband is very strong and very close to his wife, and he had to drive an hour until he could get to me to see if I was okay.  I think it was one of his worst hours.”  She bloviated some more, and then added, “But the point was, without that helicopter I would have been in that trauma center in Reno for six to eh, maybe, maybe two months.  Instead, because of the helicopter I was out in five days, six days.  Because of the helicopter I could go back to work in two months instead of five to six months.  So it’s not always life and death, it’s a big economic difference.”

Okay, let’s see if we can make sense out of this.  Phyllis claims she spent only six days in the hospital instead of six weeks BECAUSE she was airlifted and not taken by ambulance.  REALLY?  That is such an intangible that I don’t even know where on earth she came up with this “fact.”  If anyone out there cares to verify this, please be my guest.

Moving right along, Phyllis emphatically stated that only seven homes abut against the wall where the helipad is supposed to be built, but that this is for the Greater Good.  She pronounced, “More people will come to live in North Miami Beach.  More people will come to eat in North Miami Beach, their lunches, do their, buy their gas and go to the grocery store, the gain so far to have this opportunity for all of us, I just can’t see how we as a body could ever do anything but, especially with your standing on record that if there is a physical disturbance to their property that you as a body will stand behind it and do what you have to do to make sure it’s whole.”

At hour 2:31:46, she finally shut up.  As a body.

Well into the third hour of the meeting (yes, you could just plotz, right?), the issue of restoring the 19th Avenue gun mount was discussed.  You’d think that by then Phyllis would have run out of gas.  Turns out, she was just getting started.

At hour 3:34:15, Phyllis asked the Procurement Director, “Mr. O’Conner, does this particular gun have a lot of significance to our city or is it the fact that the gun, the milit…, the cannon will, uh, give credence to the military that served?  Because I spoke to the Secretary of Defense, uh, they’re gonna call me back in reference to surplus guns that they haaaave that they donate to cities.  It’s expensive to, to, um, ship them, but it’s nowhere near as expensive as this, probably under ten thousand dollars.”

Mr. O’Conner said that he had extensively researched the history of the gun, but discovered that a fire in 1955 destroyed all the records.

Phyllis wanted to know if the foundation was CBS block.  He said they wouldn’t know exactly until the base was cracked open and refurbished.

Phyllis then commenced on a rant that absolutely, positively HAD to be transcribed verbatim for your reading pleasure.  I present to you Full Frontal Phyllis.

“Well I spoke to the gentleman that does military surplus sales for when you want to restore, or he actually has a company that he was in Virginia today, and I spoke to him and he said do not put water on it, whatever you do don’t put a fountain near it, don’t put water on it ‘cuz it’ll only deteriate [sic] the gun itself.  I also had, spoke to Surfside today the recreation department from Surfside has a gun, and the Boy Scouts came to them with a project and they, of course ours is too teriated [sic] to have, not have a professional come and do it, but they said that, um, in order to paaaaaint the gun to be very careful that definitely go to the mitila…, the military befoooore you select a paint because you could paaaaaint it and you would insult a lot of people that actually were in the service if you don’t do it correctly.  So my questions are I’m very much in favor of restoring this gun even though I’ve had terrible phone calls that are thinking I’m in opposition, but I’m not in favor of spending this kind of money without the true knowledge I set, I definitely wouldn’t start out with sixty three thousand dollars, um, one of the former councilmen that was here tonight he said it was crazy thirty eight thousand dollars.  I told him thirty eiiiiight.  He thought it was absolutely crazy that there is plenty of people out there and plenty companies the thing is if when they move that gun it’s very heavy and that’s where your big money comes moving it out moving it back.”

Phyllis then came up for air before starting the World’s Longest Run On Sentence:

“If we’re gonna keep thaaaat gun, which again I have asked the manager several times to go and find out about these surplus, um, guns that the government will ship and so today I explored it myself and I found out with the Department of Defense they’re gonna get back to me what’s available or if there’s a slight cost and what the cost would be and what it would take but before we say that we’re gonna take when we have residents that need so much that gun does mean something to our city it needs to be restored or replaced but I think that at the maximum that I would ever vote for would be and I do believe that we should do something with flowers around it absolutely I think we should highlight it if we’re gonna have it I don’t know about three flaaags and that whole, um, you know, that whole big show first phase one should be just to renovate it and make sure that it’s not gonna deteriate [sic] further if that’s the gun that we’re gonna have I actually was at a wedding and I sat at the table with a man whose brother was here for the dedication of that gun.”

Did y’all get that?

Undaunted, Phyllis wrapped it up with:

“So there, there’s a lot of avenues we could take before we start spending sixty three thousand dollars.  Um, I, I definitely think we need to replace it or refurbish it but I think that that phase is much too far in advance without finding out what else we could do.”

At 3:39:15, that’s five full minutes none of us will ever get back.

When Councilwoman Kramer gently admonished Phyllis by letting her know that the staff had fully researched the gun issue, as did resident Bruce Lamberto, Phyllis shot back, “Didn’t change the faaaaact that I was on the phone all afternoon with, I spent three and a half hours on this.”

I’m sure that’s three and a half hours that the Secretary of Defense wishes he had back, too.

Ah, Phyllis.  When will you ever learn to STFU?

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth Manure”