For weeks now I’ve been hearing and reading the news that the City of Miami Beach refused to rent a house to the Kardashian sisters, who are in town to film whatever it is they film. Because they’ve been shown the door across the intracoastal, they have to settle for a temporary residence here in North Miami Beach. What a drag, huh?
Like me, some of you might ask, “Kim and Kourtney who?” Of course, I’ve heard of the Kardashian Klan. Who hasn’t? But I can’t even begin to tell you what they’re famous for other than being famous. Sort of like Paris Hilton. Then again, Paris is a Hilton, and we’re all familiar with the Hilton Hotel franchise. Hard to escape that one.
Kardashian? I only know that name because I’ve seen it on the covers of tabloids at the checkout line in Publix. I also thumb through Entertainment Weekly when I’m not scouring public records for political corruption, so the names Kim and Kourtney do ring a bell. I do not, however, watch what is popularly known as “reality television.” Someone else’s “reality” doesn’t even remotely interest me. I’ve got my own, thank you very much.
It does seem, though, that lots of people are quite familiar with the dynamic duo. Several readers of mine have been sending me the recent articles and suggested I write a column about the sisters. I hadn’t given it much thought until I saw the latest headline, Kim and Kourtney Kardashian Banished To the Slums: South Beach Says NO!
Since I’ve heard they’re hanging around our neck of the woods, I will assume that those “Slums” refer to none other than our hometown – North Miami Beach.
How about that? I’m not the only one who feels that way. While I wouldn’t go so far as to call NMB a slum, apparently the Kardashian sisters think that having to settle for filming here, they’re definitely slumming it. Well, maybe they are then.
The scathingly condescending article describes the Kardashians’ fall from grace in that:
“The Kardashians had to settle for a filming location over 14 miles from South Beach and even though the sisters were as pissed as broken breasts after a boob job, they finally settled for a location in North Miami Beach.
According to Raul Gonzalez of Miami Beach’s Office of Film and Print, “They found a gated community in North Miami Beach.” Ah, will the sweet smell of claustrophobic fear and desperate housewives ease the Kardashians into their temporary new home? No, it won’t. According to a RadarOnline report, the Kardashians might be facing more than Esmerelda’s arsenic laced chocolate chip cookies, because the community they will be living in makes Slumdog Millionaire look like a 5-year-old’s birthday party.”
WOW! That’s pretty brutal!
Now I get that we are not South Beach. We’re also not Aventura, Coral Gables, Weston or Pinecrest, either. Come to think of it, we’re not even Pembroke Pines. But, slum? Well, the review of NMB gets even worse. It states,
“The area is known for its hourly hotels, strip clubs and high crime rate,” a source revealed. “It’s a far-cry from their usual posh digs, with just a 7-Eleven and an abandoned old bank close by.” Uh-oh! Serial killers love to buy Slushy’s at 7-Elevens. Better watch your back Kim; you never know who wants to place your junk in their trunk.”
Okay, I’m not quite sure what part of North Miami Beach that’s referring to, but apparently in the eyes of the pseudo-entertainment industry, it doesn’t get much worse than our city.
So, who can we thank for our relegated status as the Slums of South Florida? The first person who comes to mind is the person who wore the mayoral hat for seventeen years, from the late nineteen eighties through 2005 – none other than Jeffrey A. Mischon. Hey, thanks, Jeff!
During a crucial period in history, when the computer age was upon us in full force, Jeff Mishcon refused to bring City Hall into the 21st Century. While other cities started digitizing their public records in the early 1990s, most of ours from before Y2K are still stored in cardboard boxes in some spare room in the McDonald Center. North Miami Beach is at least a decade and a half behind the times in technology because Mishcon lacked the foresight and ingenuity to keep up with the rest of the world. Hey, thanks, Jeff!
While Mishcon occupied the seat at the head of the dais, development was dead and buried. We watched cities all around us upgrade and beautify, while NMB sat and rotted and grew crabgrass. With the exception of his one “contribution” to North Miami Beach – a park named “Mishcon” – almost nothing else changed in the seventeen years he sucked off the government teat. Hey, thanks, Jeff!
But, hey, wait! He did think up that wonderful stretch of booming real estate, formerly known as NE 164th Street, and redubbed it “Hanford Boulevard.” He declared this would be our new “Main Street NMB” despite the fact that there’s nothing “Main” about it. Except for Fulford United Methodist Church, whose members now have to scramble for parking on Sundays because the street was narrowed to two lanes from four, and a couple of storefronts whose owners are struggling to stay open, Hanford Boulevard is not exactly the pedestrian friendly, tree lined thoroughfare that Mishcon insisted it would become. How many millions of dollars were flushed down that toilet? I don’t even want to know. But, hey, thanks, Jeff!
Jeff’s other “legacy” is that we now have the privilege of paying for his health insurance for the rest of his life. Yes, folks. You read that right. Under his watch, behind closed doors and out of the sunshine, he finagled a way to obtain FREE LIFETIME HEALTH INSURANCE for himself, his fellow council members and, I’m now told, certain employees as well. Isn’t that special? Hey, thanks, Jeff!
(As an aside, several years ago, in what was apparently designed to be a public relations move, councilman Frantz Pierre introduced legislation doing away with this policy for all future elected officials, but making sure that he and his colleague councilwoman Phyllis Smith, both of whom were elected for the first time in 2007, were grandfathered in. Isn’t that special? The good news is that if we can vote those two clowns out of office in 2015 when their current terms expire, they won’t be eligible to participate. Just keep that in mind. Don’t worry – I’ll remind you!)
Nearly eight years after Jeff Mishcon vacated his throne, we are finally making some progress. It’s slow, thanks to the economic downturn we’ve been experiencing, but we are moving forward. With a couple of exceptions as mentioned above, we finally have a City Council made up of individuals who are honest, ethical and intelligent. Unfortunately, they have their hands full dealing with the wreckage left in Jeffrey Mishcon’s wake.
The current North Miami Beach council has to figure out a way to not only pay for the excessive spending, generous pension promises, and debt incurred during the Mishcon Years, but also figure out a way to bring our city up to speed in terms of technology and development in the toughest economic era in our country’s history since the Great Depression. They certainly have their work cut out for them. They also have to field constant criticism for not having super human powers and fixing the mess they inherited. Immediately. Preferably yesterday. I do not envy any of them.
But, here’s the punchline. By threatening to run for City Council again, good old Jeffrey A. Mishcon wants another chance to screw us. And, I’m sure we’re not gonna get kissed!
Yeah, I cracked up when I heard that one. No thanks, Jeff!
In the meantime, we get to watch the Kardashianistas slum it up in North Miami Beach. Keep your camera phones ready. You never know when you might have the chance to capture Kim and Kourtney doing their thing in our ‘hood.
Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”
Just wondering where these sisters are really moving to. No one seems to know and no one seems to be able to set North Miami and North Miami Beach apart. The area with the abandoned bank and the 7-eleven is on Biscayne Boulevard by “San Souci Estates” In another article they were saying the gated neighborhood was by Oleta State Park so it was assumed the gated community was Eastern Shores. We don’t have hourly hotels that I’m aware of, but strip clubs we do. At least they are up scale, not like the ones that are in your face with neon signs on Biscayne Boulevard in unincorporated Miami-Dade County which borders North Miami by the Cricket Club. Sadly, more is happening in North Miami then North Miami Beach like development, but corruption is rampant as the government is run by a majority ruled, ethically challenged council. NMB has plenty of catching up to do and we FINALLY have a majority run honest council to serve us. Jeff Mishcon, that’s a blast from the past, but it was no blast. Why is this creature coming out of the wood work? What a disgrace, what a joke.
They are actually in San Souci Estates with a view of Biscayne Bay, see http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/10/18/3056138/north-miami-neighbors-kardashians.html
Yep! Found that out after I published the column. No wonder I didn’t recognize the description. Since then, the Kardashians are now being run out of San Souci. They must be horrible neighbors!
Steph, while I love your style and the way you “dig dirt” I have to disagree with the comments about the current Council. This council will forever be known as the “Table Council” since every piece of legislation to try to bring growth into our City is tabled for future Council meetings. Just look at the area on West Dixie and 174 Street, where there were several proposals to build on it, and because of the fear of a “Loews” being built on the property, the resolution was tabled, and we havent heard any more of it since. And dont get me started on the Marina project……
I don’t know about that project, but I’ll find out. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
Not only is Mishcon a dinosaur when it comes to technology and attitudes, but let’s not forget that this is the man who single-handedly recruited, endorsed and sponsored Hurricane Frantzie Pee-air. If we could tag the beginning of the end of NMB to one single event, it would be Mr. Mishcon’s letter to the residents of North Miami Beach singing the praises of the “big little man.” We may never know what was in it for him, but whatever it was, it has cost all of us dearly. If my memory serves me right, Mishcon was still lying on behalf of Pee-air as recently as one year ago when he said something to the effect that the illegal concrete barricade along FP’s house (Frantz Pierre’s House of Cards) had been there since the time he was mayor, which was quickly exposed as a lie thanks to the magic of Google Earth. But dinosaur that he is, he probably didn’t even know Google Earth existed.