Every once in a while I have to do a fluff piece for comic relief.  There’s no better piece of fluff in North Miami Beach than our own councilwoman Phyllis “Bumble Bee” Smith.  With her ridiculous bumble bee nails and screaming yellow clothes, not to mention her squawking outbursts on the dais, she’s always good for a laugh.

Last Thursday night, Phyllis hosted a “Building Roundtable” at City Hall.  If you have nothing to do and you think banging your head into a wall is a fun activity, feel free to watch the entire thing on the city’s website.  If not, don’t worry, I watched it for you.  Or at least as much of it as I could stand.

In addition to Phyllis herself, present was a panel of fifteen people, comprised of people in the building field, including contractors, builders, consultants and developers.  They all sat at the front of the room at tables that were decidedly rectangle and not round.  So much for Truth in Advertising.

Phyllis opened the meeting by announcing everyone in the audience.  The meeting was attended by the City Manager, both Assistant City Managers, the Public Services Director, the Building Official, Deputy Community Development Director/City Planner, Councilwoman Beth Spiegel, someone from the Community Redevelopment Agency, someone else whose name and position I didn’t quite get, Janie from the Spanish Monastery, and from what I could tell, about three members of the general public who may or may not have been residents.

Phyllis then opened the meeting with one of her long-winded and rambling speeches, that for me to not transcribe it for you, word for word, would be a grave disservice on my part.  You need to savor her diatribe in its unedited entirety to appreciate its full impact:

“Let me just tell you what the purpose is what we did.  BUT, I ask, and I don’t know, but if you’re sitting up there with joy and happiness in your heart, then everything in the city is perfect.  I hope you’ll look deeper and find out what isn’t perfect because the purpose of this meeting is to right the wrongs.  The last meeting that we had, for instance, I had a gentlemen that he is, and you’re all going to introduce yourself in a moment and we have a wonderful young woman here that is doing the same thing, that goes to the cities and helps with the permitting process, but he went all over the United St… all over Florida, and I happen to have the pleasure of selling him his house, and it turns out that he felt that we were one of his worst cities to deal with and that was about a year ago.  What was his biggest concern?  Well that the permitting process is a three page process in North Miami Beach and now it’s a one page.  And so, these are the kinds of things, and the managers had a roundtable with some builders, and he brought forth some nice thoughts as well to make us electronic.  I had been asking for that for a long time.  The man that passed away that was the manager of Costco did improvements in his house, and he lived in North Miami and he said I could just go right online and find out when they’re coming, what stage is my permit at, what process at, and I have also been requesting that of course funds come into play, and one of the big things that we’re looking for is the county and that’s why I am so honored that the county, and Sally Heyman, and I just saw her at a fundraiser, and she said she’d have representation for us, but the thing that was so phenomenal about it that’s important is that we would like to have a satellite from the county here in North Miami Beach, which I think if we could get that, that would be the biggest plus.  So everybody here tonight, so I’m going to start with….”

She said all of the above, word for word, without coming up for air.  The first thing that cracked me up was when Phyllis claimed to be pushing “to make us electronic.”  This coming from a woman who has yet to figure out how to open an email without assistance.  But, I digress.

Phyllis then proceeded to introduce the panel, telling one woman that, “I hate to see that these two are married and that they are sitting here on my panel because I knew her grandfather since before she was a thought.”

I’m sure after tonight, the woman will hate the fact that she was sitting on that panel, too.

Phyllis allowed three other gentlemen to introduce themselves without interrupting them or commenting too much.  Too much for Phyllis anyway.  One of them commented that he was on a zillion boards and Phyllis told him she’d appoint him to even more.  I’m sure he can’t wait.

Then Phyllis was so excited “to have Mr. and Mrs. Cano on her panel because they are an owner that went through process and had an issue over an illegal canopy.  And she was an attorney that actually stood up in tears.  Of course we helped her immediately, but to hear her process and her problem made it much better for North Miami Beach and all the residents that came after her, so please, Monica, if you’ll introduce yourself.”

I’d say an introduction after that introduction was beside the point.

Mr. and Mrs. Cano spoke, as did a gentleman, but the audio sucked so I couldn’t tell you what they said.  I do know that Phyllis almost shut up between introductions.  (Turns out, the microphone hadn’t been passed to any of them.)

Taking hold of the mic, a woman then introduced herself and also commented on how many boards she sat on and how many certifications she had racked up, to which Phyllis replied, “With all that past experience, it will only help us you are exactly what we’re looking for.”

A contractor introduced himself and stated that he didn’t have seventeen certifications.  The audience laughed and of course Phyllis just HAD to respond with one of those precious Phyllisisms that we’ve all come to know and appreciate.  She said, “Well, I have to tell you that sometimes having a lot of certifications can help the city and sometimes having none can REALLY help the city.”

What did I tell you?  Classic Phyllis!

“Because that’s what we want to be able to guide you through when you, when you, you know, it’s your first project.  That’s what we’re looking for.”

Okay, Phyllis, which is it?  Are you looking for people “with all that past experience” or people who have no certifications?  Make up your freaking mind.

Next in line was a woman who claimed she served as a liaison between builders, contractors and the like, and municipalities.  Phyllis commented, “So that’s a whole bunch of knowledge we need here tonight.”  Okay!

The final panelist was a man who owned shopping centers and does retail management.  Of course, Phyllis had a comment.  “I think I knew your mother.  His mother, may she rest in peace, was in her real estate office when she was actually murdered.  So that was many years ago.  I tell you.”

I dare any emcee to top THAT introduction.  Talk about putting a total damper on the conversation.  You go, Phyllis!

Phyllis moved right along after that shocker by exclaiming how excited she was that a few of the panelists owned shopping centers on West Dixie Highway.  She then blabbed on a bit about wanting West Dixie to be a real gateway to the city.

Unedited Phyllis:  “Let’s start with a few questions.  What I’m really looking for is your when there is a problem with the permitting department and when you find that what you had been requested to do you did and then you come back ready to get your permit and now there’s something else I see Bernie is smiling so maybe he will take the microphone first and give us some experiences you’ve had in that line.”

The meeting dragged on with Phyllis commenting on each and every comment made, interrupting everyone, and in general proving yet again that she’s a complete idiot.  I had to turn it off for the sake of my own sanity.

By sheer coincidence, I came across this article yesterday that started out with, “For anyone who’s ever been tired of listening to someone drone on and on and on, two Japanese researchers have the answer.”

You just know it got my attention!

The researchers won the 2012 Ig Nobel Prize for creating “a device that disrupts a person’s speech by repeating his or her own voice at a delay of a few hundred milliseconds.  The echo effect of the device is just annoying enough to get someone to sputter and stop.”

According to the article, the device “is meant to help public speakers by alerting them if they are speaking too quickly or have taken up more than their allotted time.”

It’s called the SpeechJammer.

It’s tailor made for Phyllis!

I think we should all chip in and get one for her as soon as it hits the market!  I’d pay big freaking bucks to Jam Phyllis’ Speech!

With all seriousness now, the ONLY thing voters in North Miami Beach should keep in mind is that if Phyllis Smith is re-elected AGAIN at the end of her term in May, 2015, you and I will be on the hook to pay her ENTIRE HEALTH INSURANCE PREMIUM FOR THE REST OF HER FREAKING LIFE!

Aside from the fact that we’d have to hear her bloviate incessantly for an additional four years, are you prepared to dip into your pocket just so she can get FREE healthcare?  I hope not!

In the meantime, let’s try to get our hands on one of those SpeechJammers for Phyllis so we can tolerate the next two and a half years.

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”