If you want to see a real performance worthy of any Off, Off, Off Broadway show, you need to tune into last night’s North Miami Beach council meeting on the city’s website.  Fast forward to hour 57:40 for councilman Frantz Pierre’s Point of Privilege and watch the Drama Queen of NMB in full buffoonery splendor.

Had I known he was headlining his own one act, one man show, I would have attended in person.  In fact, it was such a grand spectacle, I could have sold tickets.  But, alas, I didn’t attend.  I had to watch it online today, and I’m here to give my critique.

As fate would have it, the Word of the Day on thesaurus.com is “spruik,” which is defined as, “To make or give a speech, especially extensively; spiel.”  Fittingly, L’il Frantzie P went into a spruik like you’ve never seen or heard before on or off stage.  Ever.  It was such grand pageantry that you really need to witness it yourself to appreciate the drama.

I could have written the script.  In fact, for your reading pleasure, I will reproduce the entire transcript of his performance.  Despite rewinding and putting my ear up to the computer speakers, there was just no way in hell to make out every single one of his pearls of wisdom.  So, I decided to do what the P Man himself does – I just made shit up, substituted my own (replacement words) instead and added my own special brand of commentary.

Now, sit back, relax and just picture in your mind’s eye the myriad of farcical expressions that cross Frantzie’s face, the histrionic delivery with which he attempts to enlighten the masses, as he emotes with such grandiosity and bluster.  Here he is, our very own pompous ass clown…FRANTZ PEEEEEEE-AIR!

“Mr. Mayor, at this time I want to take a Point of Privilege.  Thank you.  May, 2011, May, 2012.  Exactly one year ago, the citizens of North Miami Beach decided to take (a nap) in the city, for the last time in history the resident had the opportunity to (schtup) the entire city council.  Promises were made.  It’s gonna be a better city.  The building department, sanitation, permitting department, everything is gonna be just right.  One year later, where are we?

[Dramatic pause]

It is not the intention tonight to go over a laundry list although I have an extensive list to be discussed at a later date.  My goal tonight is to (nauseate) on my colleagues to reflect on the past year.  What concretely the city has accomplished.  There is no doubt in my mind that we have competent (and sexy) staff who can deliver and have proven over the years from the top to bottom the residents the employees everybody in North Miami Beach.  I’m proud of them but that doesn’t mean we’re up to par.  If we want to take a look back how far have we gone? What (free vacations on the city’s dime to attend soccer coach conventions) we realize?  Nothing?  Or almost nothing?

To be honest…

FRANTZ?  HONEST?  Helloooooooo!  Dude doesn’t have an honest bone in his body!

… as a councilperson we are limited and I understand the (Queen’s English) of Mayor Vallejo who came with good intentions a lot of good ideas but every time it was cut short every time we try something positive.  I understand the frustration of Councilwoman Kramer, two council meeting ago, made it very clear that the city is moving too slow.  It was only last council meeting one hour (I punk’d) Councilwoman Martel pointed out a few areas of shortcomings of upper management.  Councilwoman Smith, I feel sorry for you.

Not as sorry as she feels for having to sit next you, Frantz!

I know how hard you work.  But guess what?

[Dramatic pause]

Nothing plus nothing equal nothing.

OMFG, FRANTZ! Now THAT was inspired!

Councilman Derose, I feel your pain.  I know how you have been treated.

WTF?  How Councilman Derose has been treated?  What?  With kid gloves?  I have NEVER heard Mr. Derose attacked or mistreated by ANYONE!  WTF are you talking about, Frantzie?

And I’m not going to mention myself because Frantz Pierre is a big bwoy.

Uh, oh!  Frantzie Third Person ALERT!

Some call him big little man or little big man.  Either way you look at it.  It’s the same guy (who will lie to your face and) who has one goal in mind.  the betterment of our city.  It’s one thing to run for council but once you get elected you have to have the gut to do the people jobs.  Regardless of who you are, whatever the relationship might be, my job is to (say the hell with) oversight and vote my conscience.  I will continue to show class…

Hold on a sec.  I have to wipe the coffee that just splattered all over my computer screen when I burst out in uncontrollable laughter…

Okay, I’m back.  I continue…

…by not responding to blogs…

Hey, Dumbass.  You just did.  ROFLMAO!

…because I believe to be convincing…

[Dramatically raising voice]

...ONE NEEDS TO BE RESPECTED!  To be respected, YOU NEED TO BE TRUTHFUL!

Hold on again.  More laughter.  Wiping up coffee.

I should have seen that coming.

And to be truthful you need to be factual.  Opinions will remain opinion.  While, we only (pretend to be) council person.  And to (dress like a grownup in our daddy’s suit and) be very clear, even though this is something that we like, we have to go to one man, this man (who I am so freaking jealous of my eyes just turned green), Lyndon L. Bonner.  I know what my personal experience with him has been, and don’t know for the rest of my colleagues.  Tonight, Mr. Mayor, I will simply would like to hear, from my colleague, technically what I need is a Moment of Reflection, where are we, what caused the stagnation, is the tree moving?

WTF?  The TREE, Frantz?  WTF did you just say?

He has all the good parts [WHAT???] and yet we are not going anywhere.  We need to find the cause.  The residents are worried every day what is next?  Where are [seriously RAISING VOICE] WE HEADING?  WHAT ARE WE DOING?  DO WE KNOW WHAT WE DO?  And [voice dramatically lowered] as for the employees every day they come I don’t even remember the last time I saw an employee feel small North Miami Beach city employees are known for their charisma (and willingness to do my bidding).  They’re known for their smile.  They’re known for their hard work.  But today if you had, if we had, if you had the power to go deep into their conscience you can read on their face what they’re going through.

OMIGOD!  OMIGOD!  Frantz is a PSYCHIC!  Hurry, put on your tin foil hats, folks, and block the Frantzie Beam before he goes deep into your conscience!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, residents of Fluff Miami Beach, we have a job to do.

[Pee-Air putting on his Serious Face.]

And, whatever it takes I DID IT BEFORE, and I will do it again if I need to, but tonight the goal is only to take an assessment of the (Swinging Richards) and the performance of the city manager.  Mr. Mayor, at this time I would like to know how my colleague feel.  Maybe I’m the only one in this situation.  Maybe I’m out of the blues.  PLEASE I need clarification.  Since everything must be done in the sunshine…

Damn that freaking sunshine, right Frantzie?

Mr. Mayor if you would, I would like to open the floor for comment so my colleague can share their experience with the city manager.

The Mayor then asked Frantz Pierre exactly what he was getting at and what he wanted.

WARNING:  Frantz pontificating again.

Right now is a Moment of Reflection.  Everything you do in life at some point you have to sop [sic] and take a look back and say ‘What have we done?’  That’s exactly what I know.  Because even though I had to go through tough times because I had to bury a family member, I spent all week thinking about this city.

The people elected me to do something if somebody comes to me and say, ‘Pierre, what have we done for the (little big people)?’  That is a question I ask myself.  And I’m sure that the question that you ask yourself and why they all looking at you, (I truly am an ass clown), it’s time for you to give them an answer.”

Whoa!  Dude!  That was seven minutes and thirty three seconds I’ll never get back.

During the P Man’s Point of Privilege and Moment of Reflection, he managed to address every one of his colleagues except for Councilwoman Beth Spiegel, who he’s avoiding like the plague.  If I were him, I’d avoid her, too.  Beth doesn’t let him get away with any of the utter nonsense he spews or false accusations he constantly makes against anyone whenever he feels like it.  Beth is like the ultimate truth serum, and we all know how much trouble he has with the truth.

And the truth here, folks, is that Frantzie tried to pull a coup and get the City Manager fired.  Guess what?  [Dramatic pause]  It didn’t freaking work!  After all six of his colleagues gave Mr. Bonner a Vote of Confidence, Frantzie sheepisly gave in to peer pressure.  Considering that L’il Frantzie P is all about The Style and completely without The Substance, I have to wonder who put him up to this, and if it was a set up from the get go.  I salute whoever it was.

And, finally…

This critique wouldn’t be complete without a shout out to our most well known Village Idiot, former councilman Bob Taylor, who never misses an opportunity to open mouth and insert foot.  This time he spent his three minutes deriding the Code Enforcement Department for having the audacity of trying to Enforce the Code, and slyly insinuated that I was the one who sent a Water Meter Reader to Frantzie’s house to see how many people live there.  He basically wanted to know why it’s any of my business that an elected official might be violating our city’s Code, or even why I might be remotely concerned about possible Voter Fraud.

NEWS FLASH, BOB!

That’s what concerned citizens are supposed to do – concern themselves with government.  Otherwise, as Plato said, they end up being governed by their inferiors.  That’s how you got elected and re-elected in the first place.  Until, of course, former Mayor Joe Moffat gave up his mayoral seat to run against you just to unseat you from the council.  You were despised that much.

Now, THAT was PRICELESS!

I realize that when you were on that dais, you didn’t deign to listen to those pesky little residents, much less concern yourself with doing the right thing.  In fact, state legislators enacted Sunshine Laws for people just like you, who liked to do official (and unofficial) business behind closed doors.  You know.  Unofficial business like, for example, giving yourself LIFETIME MEDICAL INSURANCE ON TAXPAYER DIME.

Classic line, there, Bob, when you said, “Don’t allow someone to bring down our city. it seems that someone who has a political blog that attacks just her enemies.”

NEWS FLASH, BOB!

“Political” bloggers go after corrupt politicians specifically to uncover them as frauds.  What do you think?  I’m gonna attack my friends?  Have you really gone that far over the deep edge since you were unceremoniously ousted from office?

Never mind.  Asked and answered.  Hurry along now.  Your Village is missing its Idiot.

And that, folks, is as much of the council meeting as I could stand to watch.  Until next time, this is…

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”