Hot off the presses is an article published in the Miami New Times entitled Swinging Richards Sues North Miami Beach for Discrimination.  Yeah, we needed that, like a hole in the head.

The article points out that we’ve had strip clubs for 22 years, which apparently have been violating “a local law that prohibited three strip clubs from serving alcohol alongside naked dancers,” and that the city is only cracking down on the ordinance because we now have a gay strip club.  The reporter’s comment, “That decision could end up costing city taxpayers thousands of dollars in legal fees and a barrage of bad press,” is an understatement.  Need I say that bad publicity is not in our best interests?  I was quoted as stating, “North Miami Beach doesn’t need the aggravation this lawsuit will bring.”  What the reporter didn’t print was how thrilled I am that North Miami’s corrupt mayor Andre Pierre and his cronies have been hogging the negative news spotlight.  I was hoping NMB would be able to stay out of trouble and under the radar for at least a little while.  No such luck.

The male strip club known as Swinging Richards has filed a Federal lawsuit against the City of North Miami Beach for discrimination, of all things.  The lawsuit claims that by singling out this club to abide by Ordinances 89-5 and 94-9, which prohibit alcohol from being served in establishments where there is nudity, yet allegedly allowing the two female strip clubs to continue business as usual, is blatant discrimination.  If that’s what’s going on, I absolutely agree.  What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.  And the other way around.

Ordinance 89-5, which was passed on August 15, 1989 and signed by then mayor Jeffrey A. Mishcon, emphatically prohibits alcohol from being sold in establishments of adult entertainment in which the entertainers are naked.  The ordinance goes to great lengths to describe in graphic detail what constitutes nudity (“genitals, pubic area, vulva, anus, anal cleft or cleavage or buttocks, or any simulation thereof”), what part of the female breasts are considered indecent (“any portion of her breasts below the top of the areola or any simulation thereof”), and what public acts are considered indecent (“sexual intercourse, masturbation, sodomy, beastiality, oral copulation, flagellation, any sexual act which is prohibited by law, touching, caressing or fondling of the breasts, buttocks, anus or genitals or the simulation thereof“).

Yes, folks.  This ordinance is a document duly filed among the Public Records of the City of North Miami Beach, a copy of which can be obtained by anyone making a request.  (I hope your kids aren’t reading this.)  One can only imagine the council discussion when this ordinance was being contemplated.  YIKES!

In case anyone didn’t understand the concept of the 1989 No Titties/No Booze Rule, five years later on April 4, 1994, mayor Jeffrey A. Mischon and council (yes, he was STILL in office!) expounded on this rule by passing Ordinance 94-9, for the purpose of creating Chapter 2A of the Code of Ordinances of the City of North Miami Beach, a/k/a Adult Entertainment Code, “under the home rule power and police power of the City of North Miami Beach, Florida, in the interest of the public health, safety, morals, and general welfare of the inhabitants of North Miami Beach.”

Obviously, if this rule had not been passed, all you ungoverned people would go running through the streets like drunken sailors, with the wrong parts of your breasts showing, fondling the buttocks of strangers, and God knows what other deviant behavior!  Thank goodness for the government.

In its infinite and all powerful wisdom, the city council decided that for our own good they will allow the presence of establishments:

“(a) Where the superficial tissues of one person are manipulated, rubbed, stroked, kneaded, and/or tapped by a second person, accompanied by the display or exposure of specified anatomical areas;
(b) Where dancers, entertainers, performers, or other individuals, who, for any form of commercial gain, perform or are presented while displaying or exposing specified anatomical areas; or
(c) Where straddle dancing occurs…”

But, if you add alcohol to the mix “other activities which are illegal, immoral, or unhealthful tend to accompany [(a), (b) and (c) above],” might happen.  These “other activities” may include, “prostitution, pandering, solicitation for prostitution, lewd and lascivious behavior, exposing minors to harmful materials, possession, distribution and transportation of obscene materials, sale or possession of controlled substances, and violent crimes against persons and property.”  Not to mention it would attract “undesirables” into North Miami Beach.

It might also lead to dancing.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say Jeffrey Mishcon and his council were Republicans.  I’m just saying.

Ordinance 94-9 goes on for twenty one pages, describing all sorts of deviant behavior that could lead to dancing.  My personal favorite, however, is Item (23)(a)(3), which further describes which part of the female breast must not be exposed.  Because apparently Ordinance 89-5  had loopholes.  This Item states:

“That portion of the human female breast encompassed within an area falling below the horizontal line one would have to draw to intersect a point immediately above the top of the areola (the colored ring around the nipple).  This definition shall include the entire lower portion of the human female breast, but shall not include any portion of the cleavage of the human female breast exhibited by a dress, blouse, shirt, leotard, bathing suit, or other wearing apparel, provided the areola is not so exposed.”

Lest any of you gentlemen breathe a sigh of relief, Item (23)(a)(1) and (2) prohibits you guys from showing your “human genitals or pubic region” or “cleavage of the human buttocks.”

Cleavage of the human buttocks?  WHAT?  NO BUTT CRACKS?  Plumbers, quick!  Here come the morality police.  Pull up your pants!

If all of this wasn’t insane enough as it is, after Jeffrey A. Mishcon and his council passed these ordinances, they then exempted all the strip clubs from having to comply.  (Maybe they just needed a legitimate reason to talk dirty at a council meeting.)

I take back my previous accusation that Jeffrey A. Mishcon didn’t do anything productive as the mayor of North Miami Beach for seventeen years.  There was obviously a whole lotta something going on back then!

I’m not quite sure who started this new brouhaha (Andre Pierre maybe?), or why they tried to put the kibosh on Swinging Richards, or even if that was the only “adult entertainment establishment” that was targeted.  But if, as the lawsuit purports, the city is trying to shut them down because the dancers are male and the customers are gay, then that is blatant discrimination.

If the city is making all the strip clubs suddenly comply with a twenty two year ordinance for the purpose of ridding the city of all “adult entertainment establishments,” then they’d better be consistent and not discriminate against Swinging Richards.

They’d also better be prepared to be sued like mad.

I’m sitting here, shaking my head, because we REALLY didn’t need this crap right now.  The mayor and council have a lot more important things to deal with than fighting more unnecessary lawsuits.

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”