If I Ruled the World…

Dwight Yoakam would be a member of MY fan club.

So would Peyton Manning.

Oh, and yeah, I’d declare World Peace.

And reforest Haiti.

But, for starters, I’d fix what’s wrong in North Miami Beach.  Frankly, I’d have my work cut out for me.

Obviously, the first item on my agenda would be to cut the spending.  By now you’re probably tired of hearing that line, but the truth is, governments in general are not good stewards of our hard earned tax dollars.  The common mantra is that there is “too much fat at the top” and that not enough revenue trickles down to the workers at the bottom.  I agree with that assessment.  Our local government is way too top heavy.

For example, with a population of about 39,000 residents, can anyone explain why we need two assistant city managers and two assistant city attorneys?  I have nothing personally against Lyndon Bonner or Darcee Siegel (except for maybe that Street Furniture thing).  It’s just that we’re spending several hundred thousand dollars on two employees, not to mention their benefits, allowances and pensions.  Is this necessary?  If I were in charge of cutting spending, I’d start right there.

The next job on the chopping block would be Code Compliance Manager Eric Wardle’s.  I’ll discuss the entire Code Enforcement debacle later on in this column, but first I’ll deal with the Head Dude of Code.  I have no hard evidence to back this up, but I just have a gut feeling that Wardle is in cahoots with former mayor Myron Rosner.  How else can you explain how Myron’s escaped any consequences for his violations so far?  For example, Myron was supposed to come before the Code Board to face the music back on October 10, 2011.  It was delayed because allegedly Myron needed yet another new attorney.  Again, his case was taken off the Agenda for the November, 2011 meeting, with no explanation that I can recall, at which time I published several detailed columns about this exact issue in The Bad Penny of NMB, Myron’s Hit List, and Curses! Foiled Again!  On February 9, 2012, Wardle asked the Code Board to schedule a “special meeting” on March 22, 2012 for Myron’s case since he expected the hearing could take up to three hours.  Rumor has it that Myron is subpoenaing THREE HUNDRED witnesses to testify before the Board.  WTF?  On March 2, 2012, I was advised that this Code Board hearing was postponed yet again until March 29, 2012, with Wardle giving the excuse of “conflict with the manager’s schedule.”  YEAH, RIGHT!  Does anyone here believe that Myron doesn’t have Eric Wardle by the, ahem, family jewels?  I don’t!  But, what is more unbelievable is that somehow Wardle still has a job.  Hey, Mr. Bonner, what’s up with that?  Hey, Eric.  No soup for you!  Pink slip that sucker ASAP!

Next I’d deal with the police department.  Ideally, I’d bust the UNION.  For sport.  Without going into yet another diatribe about why I HATE UNIONS, let’s deal specifically with the PD.  After some serious consideration, and at the risk of pissing off some people, I do believe that we have a very top notch police department.  Yeah, there are some idiots among the ranks, but if you think about it, what sizable organization doesn’t have its share of undesirables?  I think the vast majority of our police officers are highly trained professionals who take their jobs seriously and do an excellent job serving our community.  I admit I’ve had my moments, especially when snooping on the LEOAffairs.com website.  I was so ticked off that I was hoping we’d do away with the NMBPD and go rogue with the County instead.  But once I got over my angst and anger, and seriously thought about it, I’m thinking that wasn’t one of my brightest ideas.  We’re talking about MIAMI-DADE COUNTY here, folks.  If there was ever a reason not to get in bed with an even bigger governmental agency (and an even bigger mess than we’ve got right here at home), this would be it.  (If you need any more proof of what I mean, stay tuned for my comments on the Miami-Dade County Fire Department later in this column.)  I realize that in Broward County, most of the cities have given up their own police departments and contracted with the Broward Sheriff’s Office, and it’s worked out very well for them.  But, folks, this is NOT Broward County!  As my son, who moved to Davie, told me, “Even the fast food tastes better up here.”  I work in Fort Lauderdale.  I tend to agree with him.  Frankly, if I could sell my house for a reasonable sum, I’d be the first to hang my hat North of the Border.  But, I’m stuck here for now.  And, like it or not, you’re stuck with me.

Moving right along.

While I have my tiara on (remember…I’m Ruling the World here), the police contracts and pension reform would have already been resolved.  The way I see it is we want happy cops, but we also want happy residents.  I’m no financial expert, but I am smart enough to bring in people to negotiate in good faith to make sure the fairest deal would be made for everyone.  Also, since I’m Ruling the World here, Mike Pons, you’re outta here!  I want to deal with someone who cares more about the city, including the residents, than he does about the freaking UNION!  In other words, someone with a brain AND a heart.  I know a few really awesome people in the police department who get it, and if I had my way I’d have my people call their people right now and set up a meeting.

As for the police car situation, the jury is still out on whether we’re saving money by stopping the take home cars.  Logic tells me this is a fiscally responsible move, but I’d like to see the actual cost savings after six months and then after a year to make a final determination.  Pool cars?  Not such a good idea.  In my humble opinion, of course.  If I Ruled the World, I’d probably stop that policy.  If getting rid of surplus cars to save money is the objective, I’d probably assign a car to no more than two or three cops who can work together, handing the car off to the next one during shift change.  That’s just one reasonable idea I’ve heard, but I’m sure there must be others worth pursuing.  Surely, you guys can come up with a workable plan.  The goal here is for the police to work with the city, instead of against us, to find ways to save money and still keep up the quality of service, while maintaining a high morale at the department.  I’m not asking for too much, am I?  Okay, don’t answer that.  Just think about it and get back to me.

Now, about the fire station fiasco in Eastern Shores.  Major disaster.  This problem is just one in a string of screw ups ever since the County took over our former North Miami Beach Fire Department back in 1978.  Without going into all the gory details, highlights of the County’s bonehead moves include our (1) losing our battalion Captain, who was promoted to Chief and then moved to Aventura, (2) losing the rescue unit in Eastern Shores, the first time in the early 1980s, and now again, and (3) getting suckered when the County used money allocated for NMB on pet projects throughout the County, including the Port of Miami.  For some weird reason, other cities haven’t suffered.  Cities like, you know, Aventura.  Or Sunny Isles Beach, for example, which got a brand new fire station about a year or so ago.  I guess North Miami Beach just doesn’t rate very high at the County level.  Let’s just say, they treat us like an unwanted child.

What makes any of us think the County won’t screw up our Police Department if they should be given the opportunity to step in?  HAH!  No, thanks!  I’ll pass!

I don’t know what’s going to happen with the station in Eastern Shores, but I’m guessing North Miami Beach is going to be on the receiving end of a lawsuit or two by the end of this year.  I’m just saying.

Next, I’d crack down on the whoever’s in charge of billing for water and garbage pickup.  I have no idea what’s going on there.  Apparently no one else  does, either.  I wouldn’t personally attempt to dig through it (heck, I can’t even figure out the city’s budget!), but if I Ruled the World, I’d send in a forensics team immediately and tell them to Show Me the Money!  For example, does anyone know why Duffy’s hasn’t been billed for garbage pickup since the day they opened?  No further comment necessary.

As Ruler of the World, I’d also demand that someone in the Customer Service Department pick up the damn phone.  It’s been ringing since Myron was in office.  Just saying.

Aside from all of the above, however, the biggest problem we have in North Miami Beach is lack of code enforcement.  In my most humble opinion, of course.  At the risk of pissing off even more people, I just have to say that as a whole, our city – and there’s no delicate way to put it – looks like crap.  While the majority of residents have pride in their homes and keep their property well maintained, there are enough properties in major disrepair to destroy the look of a neighborhood.  There also doesn’t seem to be any clear cut code for homeowners to understand and abide by, and if there is a real code on the books, it doesn’t appear to be enforced.  I learned quite by accident (a/k/a Myron) that you’re not supposed to put any type of decoration on your swale.  Not even stepping stones!  (I still have Myron Dirt where my walkway used to be.)  Yet, just take a drive through any of the many streets in the Sunray area, and you’ll see tons of properties with lawn decorations in the swale.  Some of the displays are quite attractive, I might add, and actually enhance the property.  As inexplicable as that rule is to me, it’s obviously not even enforced.

Unless you happen to be an enemy of Myron.

While the residential areas are, for the most part, aesthetically pleasing, our commercial areas leave MUCH to be desired.  There is absolutely no uniformity in design of any of our business districts.  Apparently there was never any master plan for urban development in place.  Office and retail buildings seem to have been constructed in a vacuum, with absolutely no consideration of creating a cohesive theme.  Even when a plan was attempted, a la Hanford Boulevard, it obviously fell far short of what was envisioned.  There is absolutely no rhyme or reason on that street.  Despite it’s original intention as NMB’s Main Street, there are no outdoor cafes and it’s not pedestrian friendly.  Unless you barricade the street at both ends and spend a hundred grand on a so-called community festival.  (Don’t get me started on that!  That’s another story altogether.)  Sorry, but Hanford Boulevard was a bust.

I also realize that our real Main Street (a/k/a 163rd Street, a/k/a North Miami Beach Boulevard), does not all fall within our city limits.  We share half the street on some stretches with the County.  (Yeah, THAT County.)  We can vigorously enforce the code on our side of the street until we’re blue in the face, but if the County lets its side go to seed, we may as well give up.  The minute someone exits I-95 and starts heading east on our Main Street, all he knows is that he’s in North Miami Beach.  I’m pretty sure that’s what the sign says, too.  An unsuspecting visitor has no way of knowing that NMB is only on his left.  He takes in the whole picture, and believe me, it’s not pretty.  Councilwoman Barbara Kramer has been working for months and months to try to get the County to clean up its side of the street.  It’s been a frustrating journey for her.  ( I know.  I’ve seen the emails.)  The good news is that just the other day she finally received a letter from the County advising her that progress is being made.  Let’s not hold our collective breath.  We shall see.

Speaking of borders, we REALLY need to do something about the twists and turns in the border between North Miami Beach and North Miami, which zigzags across Biscayne Boulevard like this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ until you hit Aventura.  You never know when you’re exiting one city and entering another because there are competing signs along the way.  But, that’s also a story for another day.

If I were Ruling the World, there are certain sections of our city that I’d just condemn altogether, raze them and start from scratch.  There are some buildings that haven’t even had a fresh coat of paint since President Reagan was in office.  Some have roofs older than that.  One apartment complex that I drove by frequently had a swimming pool with no water, but was filled with old lawn furniture.  For years.  Is it remotely possible that not one code officer saw that violation?  I could see it from my car!  C’mon, guys.  Do we have a freaking code or not?

For decades, North Miami Beach has remained stagnant.  There are scores of buildings in this city that are begging to be demolished to make room for new development.  I’m not talking about CRA funding to slap a coat of paint and install new windows on a crumbling structure.  Seriously!  I’m talking tear down and rebuild.  This city looks almost same as it did when I moved here in 1989, while I’ve watched Aventura and Sunny Isles Beach modernize and flourish.  Even North Miami, with all its corruption, is starting to enter the 21st century.  A recent column in the Biscayne Times, Positively 125th Street, talks about the renovation of that city’s business district and that it’s making slow, but steady progress.

Must be nice.  I wouldn’t know.  Is there anyone else in North Miami Beach who feels like we’re stuck in a time warp?  We live in the shadow of progress on all sides while the future is passing us by.

Little wonder the County holds us in such low regard.

Until we can get a handle on what’s actually in our building code, amend or revise it as necessary, and then demand strict enforcement, we will never be able to attract any quality businesses or build new neighborhoods.  We will continue to deteriorate until everyone just leaves for good.  I know if I don’t see some real progress in North Miami Beach in the next couple of years, I’ll be so outta here.

Since I don’t actually Rule the World, I have no control over the situation.  As citizen activists and stakeholders of our community, we’ll just have to keep bugging our elected officials to get cracking.  What are you waiting for?  Godot?

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”