Tonight the City of North Miami Beach held the first of many budget workshops.  It was just about eleven months ago that we had our last round of budget workshops, when the former city manager Kelvin Baker went postal, threatened the Council to leave him alone and called the NAACP because he was black.  Actually, it was because he caught wind that he might be fired and he wanted it on record that if he was fired it had nothing to do with his incompetence but everything to do with the fact that he was black.  Luckily, the Council didn’t notice he was black and fired him anyway.

That budget workshop, held on August 25, 2010, was actually the reason I started this blog.  Turns out, it wasn’t even a budget workshop, but one of the early episodes of the now famous Rosner & Baker Show, Rosner being the recently ousted former mayor of NMB, good ol’ Myron.  That meeting turned out to be a freaking circus and the “budget” for the fiscal year 2010/2011 that was barely passed turned out to be a complete joke.  Hard to believe how much has changed since then.

This year, with a new Mayor, new City Manger and one new Councilmember, it appears that this round of budget workshops will be a serious, somber and circumspect series of meetings.  Mayor George Vallejo made sure of that from his opening statement.  During his closing statement, he announced that we will have no outbursts or inappropriate behavior at these workshops.

Well, except for Phyllis Smith, of course, who has proven herself to be the Court Jester of NMB.  And then there’s Frantz Pierre, who is always good for a laugh or two.  Could this be the beginning of a brand new series?  The Phyllis & Phrantz Show?  Hmmmm….  Sounds like a plan.

Since City Hall was replete with as many residents, employees and news media that can possibly be crammed into Council Chambers, I chose to stay home and watch it on my computer rather than enter the fray.  Here’s a play by play report of the meeting:

According to the Mayor, there will be five separate budget workshops to discuss the various departments and proposed cuts, and then six workshops for public comment.  At the beginning of tonight’s meeting the Mayor asked his colleagues to hold all questions until the end of the presentations, and of course Phyllis just couldn’t stand the imposed “cone of silence.”  She just HAD to ask a question because…  Well, because she’s Phyllis.  It’s her trademark.  She really can’t help herself.

Everyone got through all the presentations, and Councilwoman Beth Spiegel was first up with several questions, which were answered by the appropriate staff.

Frantz Pierre’s question was who decides which employees get fired.  He mumbled some nearly unintelligible remarks and then wanted to know if there was a way to use “social injustice” when deciding who gets fired.  What he did not come out and just state, but what he was obviously implying by his words, “How do we get away with not firing any Haitians?”  Whatever.  He then moved to approve the budget.  Someone give Frantz a clue.

At exactly 7:00 p.m., Phyllis began her dissertation by stating, “Our World Changed.”  She also wanted to make sure we all knew that today is her birthday.  She said these two statements in the same breath.  Her point was… um, gee, what the hell was her point anyway?

But, hey!  Wait a minute!  Didn’t she end her closing speech at the July 21st council meeting with “Happy birthday to me?”  Is it STILL her birthday?

After several minutes of babbling complete and utter nonsense, Phyllis finally got to a question that had to do with the debt service.  Of course, the question came out in so many disconnected parts that it was nothing short of a miracle when the woman in charge of the charts and stuff was able to answer it.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

She then addressed the new interim Police Chief Gomer as “You’re Chief Day One.”  WTF?  She then rambled on about how she needs to know that he and his department…and the instructions been given by the manager will be…worked to the best ability…to the safety of the residents.  Or something like that.  I thought she was finished when she said, “It just seems there’s a better way,” and paused.

I was wrong.
She wasn’t finished.
Not by a long shot.
She was only coming up for air.

She continued by admitting she knows jack about the police department, but it still didn’t keep her from bloviating some more.  Here are some snippets of her comments for your reading pleasure:

1.  She wanted to put stuff into a ball that’s not full.
2.  She actually thinks she’s qualified to give guidance to other departments.
3.  She has issues about holidays and personal days and birthdays.

She claims she’s been asking about the birthdays for months!!!  Considering she’s been celebrating her own birthday since the last council meeting on July 21st, I guess birthdays are a really big deal to her.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Phyllis then said, “This is not a rocket scientist.  We have to make adjustments.”

Psst.  Hey, Phyllis!  The phrase is, “This is not rocket SCIENCE!”  And you’re obviously not a rocket scientist.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

OMIGOD, Phyllis then went off on a completely incoherent rant about real estate, Sunray, car ports, two car garages, Stonebrook, she found a perfect house, it’s a steal.  She admitted she talks too much, but, like the Energizer Bunny, she kept right on going.  She then threw in something about having an eye test to get new glasses every year.

Please don’t tell me she’s angling for another pair of $15,000.00 glasses on the taxpayer dime, is she?  Or whatever the hell she spent that medical expense reimbursement on.  I don’t think it was a tummy tuck.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

At that point I realized she just wasted 14 minutes of everyone’s time.  I really thought she was done, until…

Chief Gomer attempted to answer one of her disjointed questions, and of course, she went off again.

Phyllis wrapped it up in typical Phyllis Phashion by going on and on about something else, which I missed while I went to go fetch some Tylenol for the headache she just gave me.

By this time, Phyllis had shot her mouth off for 19 minutes saying absol-freaking-lutely NOTHING!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The manager then made the mistake of saying something.  Wrong move, dude!

BECAUSE PHYLLIS WENT OFF AGAIN!!!!!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

She just HAD to have the last word, didn’t she?

Psst!  Hey, Phyllis!  SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!

During her performance I got text messages from several of my “reporters” in the audience that were hysterical.  Here are a few examples:

“The cops are laughing at her.”
“Did you hear Phyllis yell ‘Look Stephanie! I’m trying to shut up’?”
“My ears are still ringing.”
“I don’t think I can keep a straight face any longer.”
“WTF IS SHE TALKING ABOUT???”

Whew!  I’m so freaking glad I wasn’t at that meeting or you just know I’d have been arrested.

Then Barbara spoke.

Then Marlen spoke.

OMFG, PHYLLIS WENT AT IT AGAIN!!!  She really just cannot help herself.

Honestly, I seriously have no idea how her husband can stand it.  Hopefully he’s hard of hearing.

After rambling yet again on yet another topic, Phyllis managed to finally get to her question, which had to do with firing policy of the police union, “last in, first out.”  Phyllis’ main concern is that the three Creole speaking officers not be fired because “we need them.”  Philippe Derose asked about Affirmative Action.  Oh, dude.  Frantz brought up “social injustice” again and vowed to look into it.  You do that, Frantz.  Knock yourself out.

The meeting started at about 5:15 p.m.  The Mayor adjourned the meeting at 7:42 p.m.

Out of 147 minutes, Phyllis managed to waste about thirty of them.  Well, that’s thirty minutes none of us will ever get back.  That woman really needs to be muzzled.

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”