The North Miami Beach City Council meeting of July 19, 2011 is now online and as I promised, here is my recap:

We almost got away with all three seating Resolutions (R2011-38A, 38-B and 38C) being tabled.  When the motion was made and seconded to table them, all except Phyllis Smith, and surprisingly, Mayor George Vallejo, voted in the affirmative.  Last night, I didn’t have a clue why the Mayor voted “no” but now I understand that he didn’t want it tabled because he knew it would rear it’s ugly head again.  I understand now that he just wanted to get the whole distasteful episode over with!  Once it was tabled, Councilman Philippe Derose then asked the City Manager to put it on the Agenda for the next council meeting, which means that we would have to sit through another excruciating discussion about why Phyllis thinks it’s all about democracy as opposed to this being all about her.  Once the City Manager agreed to put it on the next Agenda, Councilwoman Beth Spiegel asked to revisit the tabling so that they could get it done with right then and there.  She made a motion to reconsider it and get it resolved.  It was seconded, and the Mayor then called for discussion.  Phyllis, of course started the discussion, for which she had an entire speech prepared.  She started with, “You know it takes a very strong person to believe in right and wrong and stand up for what they think is right.”  Oh, boy, you just knew we were in for a treat.  Quick!  Where’s my earplugs?

Phyllis insisted, yet again, that the city has had a “standing seating policy” (Huh?) since Mayor Mishcon, and that if the council is changing policy it needs to be voted on.  She stated emphatically, “I have absolutely no problem with whatever is the will of the council.”  But, by Job, she’s gonna force them to do her will!  She claimed she wants to take “favoritism, emotion and politics out of where you sit.”  She went on (and on) to state that “the seniority policy has been in place for 25 years” and was “absolutely verified” at the last pre-council meeting when Beth stated she was told to sit at the end, Frantz was told to move up a seat but declined, and Derose said, “No way, take me out in handcuffs I earned this seat.”  Ten to one says that Derose never used the word “handcuffs.”  Another classic Phyllisism, I’m sure.

She wants to make sure that if Resolution 38-C passes, giving the Mayor the option of seating the council at his discretion, that it be amended to read that, “The Mayor will DICTATE where everyone sits.”  Phyllis wanted to state, yet again, that “this was NEVER about one person sitting anywhere.  It was about changing a policy that was verified and established.”  This is where Phyllis thanked all her peeps who called her, and rest assured, “there were plenty of calls this week.”  I’m thinking that robo-calls from companies selling vacuum cleaners and political parties seeking donations were included in those “plenty of calls.”

For some inexplicable reason, and for the second time in her diatribe, she brought up the fact that a resolution takes four votes to pass.  She seemed especially concerned about someone using their chair as a way to have political backing.  WTF?  I know, I know.  It’s hard to follow Phyllis’ train wreck of logic and try to connect the dots.  But try.  She went even further by chastising anyone who would say, “Hey, you support me and I’ll take care of you.  You’ll be sitting right next to me.”  Boy, did her green-eyed monster come out!  If Phyllis could move fast enough, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had jumped out of her seat, lunged past George and scratched Barbara’s eyes out with her hideous yellow talons.  The Grand Bloviator of NMB spoke for a Grand Total of 4.674 minutes to try to justify that this insanity is NOT ALL ABOUT HER!

PUH-LEEZE!

I loved it when the Mayor asked the Clerk to point him to where this policy was written, who responded that there was no written policy.  Phyllis, of course, squawked in with, “I said it was an unwritten policy that was established and verified at the pre-council with four of the people sitting up here.”  Oh, so that clarifies her “vote of four” statements earlier.  Whew!  I’m so glad she cleared that one up!  Now I’ll be able to sleep tonight!  Phyllis then shot back with, “And it was tested before you were Mayor, Sir, with the last mayor when he wanted to move around the chairs and it was told that the policy wasn’t done.  It was an unwritten policy and that’s why we’re having a written policy!”

Because, as all of you know, this is the most earth shattering problem that the North Miami Beach City Council has to deal with!

Councilwoman Martell stated she did not want to change the wording of the resolution that she put forth.  Period.  End of discussion.  DICTATE that, Phyllis!

Councilwoman Spiegel had a problem with Resolution 38-C because according to the Charter, the committee on which she chaired, the Mayor is only supposed to be the titular head, and she didn’t want to give that much power to the Mayor.

Because, as all of you know, a Mayor who has the right to make seating arrangements is omniscient and all powerful!  A veritable Wizard of Oz!

Councilman Derose said that he was told the longer he sat on the council, the closer he could move to the Mayor.  O, What a Thrill!  (I interrupt this column to shill for Raul Malo and the Mavericks http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDs4BeLUiuc&feature=related  GOTTA WATCH!  Guaranteed to make you swoon!)  Councilman Derose then went on to discuss some provision in the employees’ contract that had to do with seniority, and that the most senior employees have the option to take an open position before anyone else.  He also said he challenged the former mayor for his office because there is no written policy that the mayor should have the big office.  Sure smells like handcuffs to me!

Frantz Pierre then weighed in by (a) reiterating that the council should support the mayor, (b) emphatically stating that he didn’t ask to sponsor any resolution (I guess it just magically appeared on the Agenda), (c) exclaiming that he never asked to sit next to the Mayor, and (d) admitting that he never had an opinion.  He then went on for a few more minutes and ended by stating that this was a waste of time.  But, he suggested that everyone should support the Mayor.  But, that he would go along with the will of the council.  Well, THAT was decisive, wasn’t it?  I guess he really never did have an opinion.  About anything.

The Mayor then stated he wanted to hear from the public, at which comment Phyllis screeched, “NO.”  George responded with, “YES!”  Phyllis tried again to disrupt the proceedings by stating that she had yet another comment to make.  Of course, she did!

She restated, YET AGAIN for the record, that this was not about HER!  It was about a “policy” that had been in place for many years.  Jumping on Beth’s bandwagon, she wanted to make it very clear that seating was not one of the duties of the Mayor, and that if they were going to change this non-existent “policy” that it had to be absolutely discussed and voted on.  I ask you, when does Phyllis NOT want to discuss anything?  She had to waste yet another minute of everyone’s time to repeat what she already said during the last five minutes of time she wasted.

At two hours, fourteen minutes and twenty eight seconds into what should have been a very short meeting, the public had a chance to speak to the resolutions.  The usual suspects filed up to the podium and spoke.  I have to tell you that by now very few souls were in the audience, and the atmosphere had somewhat relaxed and everyone was overtired to the point that we should have expected just about anything to happen.  Not surprisingly, we were treated to Comedy Night at City Hall.  Everyone had a stand up schtick, and most of them were an absolute riot.  If you want to watch the show online at the City’s website, please click http://view.liveindexer.com/ViewIndexSessionSLMQ.aspx?ecm=634467758978415346&indexSessionSKU=9RU5aE7qc9tnp2d7k5XYQQ%3D%3D&siteSKU=CKmX7odf7amZ3bVY5oAA%2bw%3d%3d, and scroll forward to 2:14:28 (no, this is NOT a bible verse).  Popcorn recommended.

First up, Allison Robie discussed alternate seating arrangements based on protocol in other cities.  In case the council couldn’t figure this out, at the bargain price of $100,000.00 we could always have a special election to decide on seating arrangements.  Ultimately she said in all seriousness it should be the Mayor’s choice.

Always expect the unexpected from Mubarak Kazan, who was upset that the residents don’t have the opportunity to speak at scheduled and unscheduled times during council meetings.  He brought up his angst again about Phyllis’ cow horns.  He doesn’t want everyone to spend time discussing seating because those damn cow horns are still in her office and he intends to bring it up every six months.  Psst, Kazan, for the record, cows don’t have horns.  Bulls do.  I dunno.  Maybe he thought they belonged to Phyllis.  I’m just saying.

Muriel Kemp announced she was still Muriel Kemp and went on to chastise the council that this was not their finest hour.  She told them to quit playing musical chairs and said she is completely embarrassed about this entire situation.  She wrapped it up by saying that that NMB stood for “No More Bullshit.”  GASP!  Now that really wasn’t civil!  I LOVED IT!

Next up was yours truly, and I must say…I REALLY need to do something about this hair!  I’m telling you, one molecule of humidity in the air and my hair just freaks out and turns into a puff ball!  Seeing myself on video just reminded me why I wear my hair in a ponytail all summer.  I should know better than to try to tame it in July!

Now where was I?  Sorry.  Phyllis moment.  Oh, yeah, Phyllis and her temper tantrum.  As I explained this morning, when I attempted to correctly tell Phyllis this was all about her, she screeched that it was a PERSONAL ATTACK.  Of course, I held my ground and denied, denied, denied, a la Bruce Lamberto.  Did I say that right, Bruce?  As soon as I stepped away from the podium Phyllis just HAD to have the last word by saying, “That was a personal attack.  Thank you Mr. Mayor.”  Well, Phyllis, na na na na na na, I actually had the last word because as I was walking back to my seat I blurted out to Muriel “No More Bullshit” Kemp that Phyllis can kiss my ass.  Mo-o-o-o-o-m!  She started it!

Speaking of kissing ass, Bob Taylor came up and spoke about how our city is 85 years old and that he was a mayor for a minute and 38 seconds.  What?  THAT’S his claim to fame?  He failed to mention that the then sitting mayor stepped down to run against Bob as a councilman just so Bob wouldn’t be re-elected.  Now THAT’S a story worth telling!  Taylor then went on to say that the mayor was the titular head and that this is a manager run city.  Dumbass!  It’s a council-manager form of government, not a manager form of government.  Read the freaking Charter!  Bob also complained that his phone number is published but no one bothered to call him for his opinion.  Is any further comment necessary?

Next!

Bert Kehren came up to speak and reiterated how sad it was that we had to spend even one second on this divisive issue.  He took a swipe at Phyllis by saying that some of the council members have their own agenda and are hell bent on retaliation, and didn’t like way they were treated and are trying to strike back (ahem, Phyllis?).  He told the council they must be ashamed of themselves.  He’s assuming that all of them have shame.  We already know that Phyllis doesn’t.

Volney Nerette simply told them to cut the crap.  In so many words.

Charles Loeb picked up on Kazan’s rant about public speaking, and hoped that the council will settle this in a dignified manner and with harmony.  Oh, and he wants the Mayor of North Miami Beach to stop the war in Afghanistan.  Oh, wait, that was during the first time he spoke.  Oh yeah, this time he said he wants people to feel better about themselves using the age old method of time analysis to see who speaks and for how long, and that it would be “worth the time invested in allowing the public to speak.”  Okaaaay.  Willie Nelson moment there, I guess.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Willie Nelson.  But, well, I’m guessing some of those neurons might be missing a few synapses if you know what I mean.  Oh, never mind.  Love ya, Charles.  But just don’t ask me to stand between you and that tree you hug.

Last up was some dude by the name of Carmen Kienzle.  No relation.  KIDDING!  Just wanted to see if you’re still paying attention.  Yeah, that’d be my husband.  He said he was flabbergasted and came back to throw his two cents in.  He threw some cold water on the whole ridiculous seating arrangement discussion by telling the council if they don’t like where they sit up there they could always come sit down here with the riff raff.  Okay, for the record he did NOT say “riff raff.”  Jeez, don’t get testy with the messenger.  He basically told the council that the only way seniority counts is if they belonged to a union.  He then verbally smacked them by telling them to let the Mayor lead them, and that the whole council, except for Phyllis, is standing behind him.  The Mayor, that is.  Not Carmen.  He ended by telling them to DROP IT NOW!  Good advice!

The meeting went on for another forty minutes or so while the Gang that Couldn’t Shoot Straight shot down all three resolutions and wasted more minutes than Carter has Liver Pills (yeah, I’m dating myself).  As I told you earlier, Phyllis threatened to bring it back in the near future because she wants to extend her fifteen minutes.  I didn’t watch the council’s closing remarks because, frankly, I couldn’t bear any more pain.  By this time my ears were in danger of bleeding from the squawking parrot named Phyllis Smith.

The biggest problem this city really has is that Phyllis has no shame, nor any awareness that she has single handedly caused North Miami Beach to be the laughing stock of the entire county.  Again.  Like I said, Phyllis is the new Myron.  I’d say it’s time to grab the cow by the horns and start a recall.  ASAP!

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”